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Published on December 20th, 2013 | by Mediocre Mother


Musings of a Mediocre Mother

If you’re reading this, first of all thank you and well done, you’ve got through Christmas and are no doubt looking forward to New Year. I’m writing this pre-Xmas and unless things improve, it could be my last one. I’m going around in so many circles getting ready for Christmas, that I’m in danger of disappearing up my own bottom! I love Christmas I really do, but I can’t help but get stressed out by all the preparation. Add to that the influence of a new puppy and implosion is not out of the question. It’s taking twice as long to do anything because the dog is always under my feet, or wanting to go out, or I missed the miniscule sign and therefore he’s weeing on the floor, or chewing the furniture/Christmas tree/younger son, and so it goes on. I am enjoying him but…

Also he’ll eat everything. Putting his front paws onto the dishwasher door to get at the dirty plates is not unheard of. Quite funny to see when his back paws also leave the floor and he’s stranded in mid-air.

It used to be that you got a dog and they kind of fitted in. Now it’s a minefield; what food to get, should it be wet or dry, do you put them in a crate at night, (a practise probably once thought of as cruel), when to train them, do you take them to puppy socialisation classes. This last thing sounded like a good idea but when we went along, my dog being the only male in the group, looked upon the other dogs as potential members of his harem and proceeded to try and, er, exert his dominance. A practise frowned upon by the girl puppies and owners alike. This behaviour, however, was not limited to him alone as all the girls joined in and it turned into a sort of puppy orgy with some biting and snarling thrown in for good measure.

I’m sure it will calm down, (please, please), but if he goes anywhere near the Christmas chocolates, it’s off to the puppy pound with him.

The Christmas and New Year period normally involves some Xmas ‘do’s’, or in my case one ‘do’. I am of course following a last minute crash diet to allow for the excesses coming up and to hopefully give a more streamlined silhouette at the party. (Just as an aside, I heard today on the radio, that some people consume as much as 8,000 calories on Christmas day. (Something to bear in mind when the New Year’s resolutions are made).

Unfortunately, the passage of time, having children, and too much good living mean that I can no longer get away with a smooth outline without the use of some suck it in underwear. Now, I’ve written about my pants before, but I’m sure you never tire of hearing about them so I have no qualms in using them as subject matter again, particularly as a new problem occurred.

Long story short, last time I went to a party, I donned a body, designed to lift, separate, suck in etc. Putting it on was fine as I stepped into it with the poppers already fastened, (there’s the clue). Unfortunately, they did not remain so! As I circulated around the party, regaling all with my witty repartee, the poppers undid one by one, until I found myself inadvertently going commando. A trip to the loo to re-fasten involved the need to be a contortionist, only for them to un-pop again. Oh the problems of being a woman!

Happy New Year to you all, or as we say in our house, Puppy Chew Gear!


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