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Published on January 30th, 2013 | by The Town Crier


Horse’s Mouth – Lady Ophelia d’Knight, answers your questions.

Dear Lady d’Knight

I have a personal problem that I’m hoping you can help me with. I sport rather a lot of facial hair which as I’ve got older has become grey and wiry.

I’ve tried shaving which of course results in stubble, and causes me much embarrassment when I kiss people hello, and bleaching the hairs just results in fair curly long whiskers rather than dark. Is there any advice you can offer?


PS I am a woman in her 50’s, in case you were wondering.

Dear HB

It wasn’t your age that had me vexed but rather your gender. Had you been a man I couldn’t understand your need to write to me, but now you’ve clarified that you are in fact a lady, I do see your problem. How terrible for you, because even with the make-up around now, covering up facial hair just makes one look like a man in drag ( and when I say ‘one’, I mean you).

Have you thought about perhaps taking up belly dancing which would allow you to wear a yashmak. Very alluring particularly when combined with the dance of the seven veils.

I have seen on the television, advertising for something called the ‘No No’, which apparently deals with unwanted hair. Quite an unfortunate name I feel, as this was how my 3rd husband would refer to his conjugal rights, because apparently that was always my response, as in, “Darling do you fancy an early night?”

“That’s a no-no”.

Trying to find a bright side, you could potentially raise a lot of money for charity. A lady bearing a moustache in Movember would surely get people reaching deep into their pockets.


Dear Lady d’knight

Over the Christmas period, there were several occasions when I found myself dashing from upstairs to down to answer the phone, despite the fact that my husband and children were sitting in the room where the phone is. The reason for this is that they all had headphones on listening to, playing with or tapping away on various electronic devices. Is this the end of the art of conversation, and am I condemned to a life of being the only ‘hearing’ member of the family?


Dear PH

Get a phone extension upstairs. That would solve the first of the issues in your letter. I fail to see why not being able to talk to your husband and offspring is a problem. I’ve spent many years having to do just that and it’s very hard work especially comparing what you get out of it with what you put in. Immensely unsatisfying. See it as a bonus, perhaps if they are otherwise engaged, you might even get control of the TV remote control – imagine that!

You could join them of course and start wearing headphones of your own, I imagine as soon as you are unable to hear what they are asking for, they will remove theirs to seek you out for a little bit of face to face.


Dear Lady d’knight

I’ve just moved to Tunbridge Wells from the Midlands and am confused by which words I should use for lounge, serviette etc. I don’t want to make any social gaffes that would be frowned upon.


Dear NB

Congratulations on your decision to move south! You’re right to check which terms to use, although I think things have eased somewhat these days as money speaks louder than any public school accent. Here are a few guidelines, if you are anxious to pass muster in more class-aware environments. You should remember the basics: loo or lavatory never toilet; sofa never settee; napkin never serviette; supper never tea; drawing room or sitting room, never lounge or front room.

Lady Offa d’Knight



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