Horse’s Mouth
At Town Crier, we occasionally get letters from readers seeking advice on all manner of personal situations. They could be questions of etiquette, social faux-pas or family matters. We are always happy to help and so we have enlisted the help of a local stalwart who in her own words has seen it all and calls a spade a gardener. Lady Ophelia d’Knight, (Offa to her friends, but we’re allowed to call her lady d’Knight), will be happy to answer any of your queries in future issues.
Dear Lady d’knight
I’m about to join a golf club for the first time. Can you tell me if there are any do’s and don’ts generally associated with these organisations?
LG (Mrs)
Dear LG
Golf clubs can be an absolute minefield of political faux pas waiting to happen, as I know from my own experience. When I lived in Singapore, (with husband number 2), the expats all used to go to the golf club to have a few drinks at the 19th hole and ‘play around’. When we moved back to the UK and I joined our local course, all they did was actually play golf. Unaware of this fact, I made myself rather unpopular with a few of the lady members, particularly when I suggested a foursome with my husband. Mind you, it wasn’t worth the bother. When they posted the sign ‘No studs in the bar’, they weren’t wrong. There weren’t any in the pro-shop or changing room either.
On the plus side, where else can you wear the garish colours you thought were confined to childhood? Bright pinks, green, yellows, it seems anything goes, for men and women. The golf course is an adult equivalent of allowing your child to dress themselves only to find they’ve decided to channel their inner Superman or a ballerina for a trip to the supermarket.
I would say generally, however, always allow the lady captain to beat you, never, ever, park in her space and please, do not do as the Americans do and shout “In the hole” when you or anyone else is putting.
Lady d’knight
Dear Lady d’knight
Can you help me with a more practical matter? I’m sure we have mice due to the night-time scrabbling I hear and the packets of food chewed through that I’m finding in the cupboards. What would you suggest would be a good way of getting rid of them?
KW
Dear KW
It sounds indeed as if you have mice, unless of course someone in your household has developed Nocturnal Sleep-Related Eating Disorder (NS-RED), meaning they sleep-walk in the night and incorporate a midnight feast. These people are quite easy to spot, however, as they tend to wake up covered in crumbs and are becoming quite portly.
Somebody once told me that mice love peanut butter and so mixing in poison with this was a good way to get them to ingest it. Either that or the peanut butter just sticks the mouse’s palate to their tongue so they eventually starve to death.
You could of course choose the humane route whereby you capture them alive, pack their little mouse suitcase and drive them some distance away so they don’t return. Then wave them off with a hanky, promising to write whilst stifling your sobs.
Lady Offa d’Knight
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