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Published on October 9th, 2012 | by The Town Crier


Horse’s Mouth

At Town Crier, we occasionally get letters from readers seeking advice on all manner of personal situations. They could be questions of etiquette, social faux-pas or family matters. We are always happy to help and so we have enlisted the help of a local stalwart who in her own words has seen it all and calls a spade a gardener. Lady Ophelia d’Knight, (Offa to her friends, but we’re allowed to call her lady d’Knight), will be happy to answer any of your queries in future issues.

Dear Lady d’Knight

My wife and I enjoy cruise holidays and try to go about 3 times a year. We’ve been to every continent like this whilst dining up to 5 times a day if we so desire. We find ourselves amongst like-minded people – nearly all Telegraph and Daily Mail readers – so sharing a table at evening meals is always pleasant. We’ve learnt new skills including how to Tango last year, we’re now known as the ‘Demons of the Dance Floor, and the flower vegetables my wife can now carve are always admired.

Whilst researching next year’s cruises on the internet, I came across what I thought was a specialist travel agent called The Cruise Club, based in Brighton. Being in the area recently, I popped in only to find myself in a bar frequented by men, and only men if you get my drift. To make matters worse, when I discovered my mistake, I exited sharpish and bumped into an acquaintance of mine outside. What should I do?


Dear CC

Yes, cruising can be wonderful, but only if you stay in a state room, port side out and starboard home of course. Your mistake was an easy one to make. Perhaps your acquaintance had made a similar one and that is why he was just outside. Or perhaps he was there for more, ahem, personal reasons. In either case he is unlikely to bring it up with you or anyone else for fear of his own embarrassment.

Dear Lady d’Knight

My wife has recently read Fifty shades of Grey, and now insists upon her conjugal rights at least 3 times a week. Unfortunately none of it involves lying back and thinking of England. I’m expected to be more athletic and imaginative than I’ve ever been before, which is not an easy feat because I’m now in my 50’s.


Dear SM

This letter is clearly not asking for advice but instead is boasting about your abilities and personal life. Congratulations, well done, I refuse to give you any more column space, but thank you for including your full name and address.

Lady d’Knight


Dear Lady d’Knight

What is your opinion of the coalition? Do you feel it has a future or should we be going it alone?


Dear DC

Personally I think we should all be trying to use renewable energy as our natural resources are running out. And relying on others as a provider of power, can lead to a weaker position, something you might like to bear in mind…

Lady Offa d’Knight

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