We are all prone to having a bit of a whinge about the number of repeated programmes on television and no more so than over the past six or seven months. I do believe some (not many) are worth repeating e.g. Saving Lives At Sea, wildlife programmes or films but, the amount of repeated rubbish recently has excelled itself!

I had a few spare minutes so took the time to look at the TV programmes page for three consecutive days in October with just four channels included, and the figures I’ve shown don’t include national or local news programmes as they’re always up-to-date. The channels were the basic BBC1, BBC2, ITV and Channel 4 and the results were quite gobsmacking for the three days from around 6am to midnight:

BBC1 had 28 repeated programmes out of a total of 61 programmes

BBC2 had 49 repeats out of 66

ITV had 8 out of 51

Channel 4 had 64 out of 90

It’s not rocket science to note which channels don’t seem to want to make an effort. Or maybe they feel it not necessary? I fully appreciate that it may have been difficult to come up with new programmes due to all the social distancing rules in place at the time, but ITV managed it so why can’t other channels?

Given that so many programmes have been repeated, are the BBC going to reduce the price of the TV license? (Note to self, must never think of becoming a comedienne!) If they can’t offer over-75s a free license, they’re hardly likely to reduce it for Joe Public are they.

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at other, less well known channels and their programmes can often be more interesting, despite also being repeats from years ago. But at least they’re watchable!

Joan Hamilton-Smith

Dear Lady d’Knight

How can I avoid getting discombobulated by running into my ex at parties? We work in the same – small but sociable – industry, and wherever I go, there she seems to be, talking to the people I want to (or ought to) talk to. We say “hi” awkwardly and then what feels like a terrible silence falls. If I were “myself” I would manage a situation like this OK – but she has a knack of making me feel like I’m not, and it’s always me that ends up mumbling an excuse and moving on. Any tips?

CM

Dear CM

In an ideal world, our exes would run off to the Foreign Legion, join a witness protection scheme or, at the very least, move to Stoke-on-Trent. Out of sight truly is out of mind and getting over heartache is so much easier if you are allowed to go cold turkey. I remember chatting to a friend of mine on the phone and I mentioned I had seen his ex the night before. He later told me he hadn’t slept all night. I felt awful on two counts: first because I had upset him, and second because I knew exactly how he felt – all the men in  my life have been completely devastated when I find pastures new.

None of this is helping you, however, since you do not have the luxury of avoiding this lady who once had the keys to your heart. I feel the lack of surprise in these encounters should be your greatest weapon. You know you will bump into her so don’t be thrown by it. Plan lists of banal questions or non-personal bits of news you can share. No, scrap that, it will only make her think how dull you are and she’s better off without you. The fact you have a past isn’t something to regret or to be embarrassed by. Own it. Pretend you are fine about spending time with her and, lo and behold, one day soon it will come true.

Or you can wait for her to move on at the party and let slip that she was a terrible nose picker when you were seeing her. It really depends how grown up you want to be about it. A new romantic interest for you (fictional if need be), always helps to give you the upper hand.

Lady Offa d’Knight

From now on you will need to cope on your own I’m afraid, my pearls of wisdom will no longer be available to you as I’m close to snaring husband number 5 – a filthy rich octogenarian Texas oil man. I can spend his money whilst he gets the benefits of my English class. A quid pro quo I think you’ll agree.

Anyway, just to mix it up a bit, I got a letter, with a stamp (!) posted from Tunbridge Wells. Interesting I thought, a letter with a stamp and it’s not my birthday. Upon opening I immediately spotted my GP’s address. Oh joy, that could only mean one thing, yes, ladies you know what I’m referring to, that thing we hate so much. I was, however wrong. On closer inspection it was ‘an invitation’ no less to attend a full health check. I love receiving invitations but something about this event, made me wish that I had been ‘NFI’.

The words ‘weight’ and ‘cholesterol’ screamed out of the page. I know I’m a bit overweight and that I consume a unit or two (ahem) of alcohol more than I should, but in this instance, my doctor’s ignorance is bliss. I know I should be grateful for the chance of a health check, but I don’t think any of us like to be put under the microscope, and to be found less than perfect. Nor do we like to be told what to do about it.

Until the last week or so, diabetes is not something I would ever have worried about for myself but the recent press storm about Type 2 Diabetes has made me think again. I did a quick calculation to ascertain my BMI to find that I am just below the level where the government is considering fitting gastric bands to people who develop type 2 through being overweight. That is scary. (By-the-by, what a fantastic name that would be for a punk group, ‘The Gastric Bands’).

I completely agree with the outcry against spending NHS money on fitting gastric bands to over-weight, or as all the media call them, obese people, (so much more offensive). Their lifestyle choices include as one paper put it, “stuffing your face with junk food so that you wilfully give yourself diabetes”. But I don’t consider myself in that category, and I certainly haven’t got to the weight I am by eating junk food. God, what next? Will my bottom appear in one of those news reports where the British weight issue is being discussed and the screen is just filled with headless torsos featuring close-ups of bulges and lumps and bumps. Do you think anyone ever watches those and says, ‘hey that’s me! I’m on telly, I’d better text my mates”?

Out of interest, I Googled the journalist who had written about stuffing faces. I was expecting a mere slip of a lass but found someone who I think is a similar physique to myself and probably no stranger to the odd over-indulgent restaurant meal. I wonder if she too had examined her own BMI or whether weight only becomes an issue when it is a problem of the ‘lower classes’ and achieved through a ‘junk food’ diet?

MM

Dear Ladyd’Knight

My 22-year-old son has started to invite his girlfriend her to family occasions such as barbecues and, recently, she has come to watch a couple of World Cup games on TV. Unfortunately, my two other sons (16 and 26), and to a certain extent, my husband, do not want her at these occasions: the dynamics of the family change, and we all have to talk about pony riding and how “tiny” she is, rather than the football or Game of Thrones. I have tried explaining to them it is not unusual for girlfriends to be brought along to such family events, but apparently watching the World Cup is “non-negotiable” as far as girlfriends are concerned. I feel awful for my son as he cannot understand why his girlfriend isn’t welcome.

NW

Dear NW

Of course your son should be allowed to invite his girlfriend to family events, but that doesn’t mean the family have to like her. To be honest, with her chat of ponies and her own petiteness, which as far as I’m concerned just screams ‘look at me’, she does sound fairly insufferable. If she had arrived armed with a bottle and an interest in football then I think she would have met with a very different reaction. I imagine what will happen is your son will stop inviting this girl around – or even begin to see her through the eyes of his father and brothers and finish with her., otherwise you’re in for a really teeny tiny My Little Pony-themed wedding!

Lady d’Knight

Dear Lady d’Knight

In last month’s issue you wrote about the wearing of a banana hammock swimming costume. I agree that these are unsightly and I wouldn’t be seen dead in one, however, I am a reasonably fit man in my early 40s, and my practical choice of swimwear is my trustee Speedos. I say practical as I actually swim rather than pose. My wife and children have vetoed my choice of swimming trunks for this summer’s holiday as “too revealing”. How can I convince them otherwise?

BB

Dear BB

I think the most pertinent bit of your letter, is when you refer to your Speedos as ‘trustee’. This would infer at least a few years of use. Swimming costume material not only loses its elasticity but also becomes quite diaphanous. Perhaps when your family refer to your trunks as revealing, they mean just that.

This month and last I have undergone a crammer course on men’s swimwear and have come to the conclusion that Speedos are for Tom Daley, and his ilk only. What your family is trying to say is that they are embarrassed by your choice of trunks. Look around, you will find something in-between a voluminous clown-like trunk and a pouch of lycra.

Lady Offa d’Knight

He did look at me as if I was slightly mad, but am I? Although I would love to eat the chocolates, (they are my favourites), giving them to someone else, makes me look very generous, but does it also make me look stingy that I haven’t bought them myself, not that they’d know? I’m not sure if this is something that all women do, so if they have people round for dinner, do they put aside the chocolates to pass on to others? Perhaps there are only ever a few boxes in circulation and they keep doing the rounds until they are out of date at which point someone says they might as well eat them. You obviously also have to keep a mental note of who they came from so as to not to ‘gift’ them back.

My mum tells a story of when she and my dad were younger and going to parties at friends’ houses. This was in the days of spirit drinking – wine was very posh, only consumed at restaurants and usually came in a raffia basket. Even Mateus Rosé was quite ‘the thing’! It’s hard to imagine now that people would spend a whole night drinking gin, and then probably get into the car to drive home.

Anyway, one couple apparently would always turn up with a bottle of Martini for the hosts and then proceed to drink whisky etc. The bottle of Martini would then be taken to the next do by the new owners and so on. This bottle did the rounds for years apparently even going back to its original home several times. I doubt, however, that a bottle of anything would come into my house ever to see the light of day again. Oh, apart from a bottle of Chaumet, the cheapest bottle of sparkling wine in the UK at about £2, that someone brought to a party at ours once. I was almost too embarrassed to take it to the bottle bank, still intact I might add, and as my friends will vouch, I’ll drink anything, well nearly

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My youngest son has started to learn French at school and often comes home pointing out things that are different colours in French or body parts etc. However the other day we had this exchange:-

Son, “Mum, what does, C’est français’ mean?”

Me, “It’s French”

Son, “Yes, but what does it mean?”