SCOOP ADAMS
THE DOS AND DON’TS OF CHRISTMAS
Never sit on any Father Christmas’s lap if his eyebrows are brown, black or orange. And certainly do not risk it if he is your husband, because, as sure as sprouts are sprouts, he will blame you if he has to have a replacement hip at any time in the future. If he already has one, you will already be blamed. I know this for a fact.
If you do not like parsnips, do not be fooled by them being roasted and masquerading as roast spuds. Parsnips have pointy ends and no cook is going to cut them off and throw them away. Therefore look out for tapered shapes – no matter how deviously cunning the chef is at cutting the top halves into potato-looking chunks the lower parts will outwit him (or her).
If you do like roast parsnips and cannot get enough of them, sit by someone who abhors them and surreptitiously organise a swap – maybe two sprouts for one bit of parsnip. Or just take them – this is called a symbiotic relationship, i.e. of mutual benefit to both, like a shrimp using its tiny claws to pick dead skin and small creatures off the body of a fish. Or your dentist removing plaque.
Always wear clean underwear. That’s just a rule, not specifically for Christmas but I thought it worth mentioning. Anyway, you never know, the brandy flambéed Christmas pudding could get out of hand, entailing a visit to hospital.
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