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Published on January 30th, 2013 | by Chris McCooey

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Freelance (Part 3) By Chris McCooey

Tunbridge Wells based writer, Chris McCooey, has earned his living as a full-time freelance non-fiction writer since 1986. In our final excerpt, Chris explains how writing is re-writing and how good anecdotes can be adapted to your circumstances and your audience.

Some random thoughts and notes from the notebooks.

You cannot put horse-chestnut leaves back into the sticky buds once they have sprouted (almost tosh, but true). Dorothy Parker wrote about some hapless novel she was reviewing: ‘This is not the book to be lightly put aside. It should be thrown with great force.’ Gene Hunt in Ashes to Ashes was castigated: “You’re an over-weight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, border-line alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding …” To which he replied: “You say that like it was a bad thing …” Bill Cosby, the American comedian, was asked if he was a “glass half full or a glass half empty sort of person?” He replied: “It depends whether I’m drinking or pouring.”

My writing mate Bowen kindly phoned to ask how I was when I was going through a difficult patch. He said that whenever he felt a bit down he liked to recall Keats: “If winter comes, surely spring is not far behind.” Henry James said that writers should be “someone on whom nothing is lost.” Frank Keating, the excellent sport’s writer, used this turn of phrase to describe a knock out: ‘He went down like a drunk trying to tie his shoe laces.’ When Watership Down was made into a film a butcher’s in Haywards Heath put a notice in his shop window: ‘You’ve read the book, seen the film, now eat the cast.’

Writers should read other writers to find those that they admire and try and emulate. Patrick Michael Leigh Fermor was a travel writer of English and Irish descent. When he was expelled from King’s School, Canterbury he set out in 1933 on a leisurely walk from Rotterdam to Constantinople. A Time of Gifts (1977), despite the more than 40 years’ gestation, recounted the journey as far as Hungary; Between the Woods and the Water (1986) took his journey onwards to the Bosporous. They are extraordinary books which capture the mood of pre-war Europe, as by the way, did another favourite of mine Laurie Lee’s As I Walked Out One Midsummer’s Morn. Fermor’s war was full of adventure in Albania, Greece and Crete, where disguised as a shepherd, he lived for two years organising the Resistance and the capture and evacuation of the German Commander, with the wonderful name of General Kriepe. A friend of Fermor’s once wished the writer could be made available in pill form ‘so you can take one whenever you feel low.’ His writing has been described as ‘infectious enthusiasm driven by an insatiable curiosity and an omnivorous mind – all inspired by a passion for words and languages that makes him one of the greatest prose writers of his generation.’

Going to formal dinners with a guest speaker is a good place to pick up anecdotes and jokes. But be discreet … some public speakers, especially if they are celebrities and that is what they do for a living, don’t like to see you taking notes. I have quite a good short-term memory and make out to have a weak bladder … which allows me to remember key words and scribble them down as soon as I can in a cubicle in the Gents. Don’t do it over the wash basins as the chances are the speaker will come in when you are there.

Be mindful of your audience and their sensibilities and of course jokes don’t have to be near the mark. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo. Virtue is … lack of opportunity. Bob Hope used to say: “When I wake up in the morning, I don’t feel 83. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon; then it’s time for my nap.” Writing is re-writing and good anecdotes can be adapted to your circumstances, your readers, your audience.

And sometimes you get good lines when you least expect them. When Matthew and Emi were young they came up with some marvellous questions and observations. “Daddy, do giraffes hibernate? Can dogs swim … underwater? I want to get married in a swimming pool – so my kids can swim.” Recently my accountant Phillip got so exasperated with a group of us blokes failing to agree a date for a liquid lunch that he emailed ‘Getting you lot organised is like trying to herd cats.’ Very good, very original – I must use it myself later. Gloria Steinman, the feminist, when asked why she had never got married, replied: “Because I can’t mate in captivity.”

For signed copies of Chris McCooeys’ new book Freelance, send a cheque made out to him to Office Annex, Wood Cottage, Modest Corner, Southborough TN4 0LX for £10 which includes post and packing. Freelance can now be downloaded via Amazon and Kindle

 


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