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Published on April 13th, 2020 | by The Town Crier

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Dorothy Dorothy: A sympathetic ear and a helpful voice of reason

Dear Dorothy

I have a perfectly lovely work colleague and friend called Sandra. I feel blessed for the day we met. It’s just she is now neglecting certain acceptable levels of bodily attention. Her newfound passion is the plight of the Arkashkan donkeys and her way of addressing it is to stop waxing, deodorising and brushing her teeth etc. Can you please advise me on the best way to broach the subject of her rankness. She doesn’t realise how much she pongs.

Esme, Langton Green.

Dear Esme

There are subtle ways of course of dropping hints: affectionate friendship gifts of toiletries or suggested joint ventures to a beautician or spa. Try referencing other smelly people and how disagreeable it is. I think we all know the lady from the hardware store don’t we. You are going to have to bite the bullet and be strong from the start. If she is truly your friend, then you want to do the best by her. Take her out for a girly glass of fizz. Tell her much you love her and enjoy being her friend. Explain that this next bit comes from the heart and bears no malice.  When I had to do this a few years ago with my friend Bernice, I learnt that Cava spritzer doesn’t wash out of silk blouses very well.

 Dear Dorothy

You may remember that I wrote to you last month asking for advice about my love life. You suggested that we try role-play in the bedroom. Alas, this did not work out. My husband was very enthusiastic, so it was a good start. Sadly it all came to nothing on the night when I revealed that I wanted him to be Ross Kemp. In character, in a macho fashion, he ripped his pyjama top down to his waist but then ruined the moment when he asked me to play being my sister, Betty.

Obviously I still need help, is there anything else you can suggest?

Fiona, Paddock Wood

Dear Fiona,

I am very sorry to hear that my advice has not worked out.

Ross Kemp is a very good choice; I thought he looked especially fit in the episode where he was trapped by the Iranian militia. I do not know Betty.

If you and hubby wanted to be slightly more adventurous there are certain parties you can attend. Look out for front gardens with adorned with pampas grass.

Dear Dorothy,

I am in a pickle. At lunch the other day I managed to spill red wine and beetroot on my grandmother’s old lace tablecloth. I miss her deeply and this is the only reminder I have of her. It also has ground up Haribo and pickle on it too. 

Eunice, Rusthall

Dear Eunice,

That really is a pickle…and some lunch?

First of all, I would soak the table cloth in a shallow bowl of ironing water with 16 parts fine salt. Sprinkle with 2 packets of dried active yeast 

Leave this for 24 hours 

Let it dry naturally on a line but not in direct sunlight, in fact the darker the better. Line a table with grease proof paper then place the cloth on top. Melt 4 candles (unscented) in a zinc pan, mixing in some cheap washing up liquid and some lemon juice.  In its molten state pour a thin layer over the offending stains. 

Let it dry and harden. Place a length of anaglypta wallpaper on top and press firmly and evenly down. With an iron set on a low temperature (woollens and silk), gently press into it. 

The wax will separate into the wallpaper and the greaseproof paper will soak upthe stains. 

Once all the wax is off the cloth, quickly run it through the washing machine at 30 degrees. Add some descaler and pine nuts to the wash but no conditioner. 

Once dried naturally again, it should be as good as new. 

The benefit of using this method is that you also gain some nice abstract art that you have created on the wallpaper and greaseproof paper. Mine now hangs in the conservatory next to Reg’s battlescape Panzer paintings.

Correction: You may remember that in November’s column I advised Amber from Hawkenbury to try using caustic soda for her problem.

I, of course should have suggested Sudocreme. 


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