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Published on December 4th, 2013 | by The Town Crier

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Horse’s Mouth

At Town Crier, we occasionally get letters from readers seeking advice on all manner of personal situations. They could be questions of etiquette, social faux-pas or family matters. We are always happy to help and so we have enlisted the help of a local stalwart who in her own words has seen it all and calls a spade a gardener. Lady Ophelia d’Knight, (Offa to her friends, but we’re allowed to call her lady d’Knight), will be happy to answer any of your queries in future issues.

Dear Lady d’Knight

I’m coming to the UK for Christmas to stay with an old university friend and her family. The first time I stayed in their beautiful and elegant house in Norfolk about 10 years ago, it was summer and all was perfect. On subsequent visits when the weather was far chillier, it was the equivalent of stepping into the deep freeze. Why is refusing to heat their houses so chic among the British upper classes. I have asked about the possibility of some heating, but my friend’s mother replied: “Don’t worry, darling, we’ll put an extra dog on your bed to warm you up.’’

TB, New York

Dear TB ,

You seriously cannot work out this mystery? Miss Marple’s knitting could solve it. Don’t let me rush you. Take a minute and ask yourself why a family wouldn’t install a state-of-the-art heating system into a rambling old house in Norfolk? It’s not like it would be very expensive – oh wait! That’s right, it would cost an absolute fortune. Add to that the prohibitive cost of fuel and your whining about being cold seems rather insensitive, and if I might say typically American.

I’m sure the family take no pleasure in living in temperatures lower than Kerry Katona’s IQ but what you see as pride is in fact putting a brave face on things.

Fortunate Americans have for years enjoyed fuel prices so low that you didn’t have to consider the size of your car or the setting on your thermostat, but things are changing. There may come a time in the not too distant future when you’ll be glad of a dog on your bed.

Stop moaning and pick up some proper underwear, long sleeved and at least knee length. Put a wrap around your shoulders, even wear a woolly hat for dinner if you want to. The British are particularly fond and tolerant of eccentrics so don’t worry about looking silly.

Lady d’knight

Dear Lady d’Knight,

My husband, who is rapidly approaching 60, has purchased a number of “slim-fitting” polo neck sweaters. While these camouflage his scraggy neck (as he no doubt intends) they do little for his figure and the total effect is a rather rotund Roger Moore circa 1980. What can I do?

HE

Dear HE,

Find some reason to video him at a family function. Be gentle. It’s never a nice moment when you realise you look like your head is perched atop a well-padded cushion. Although you haven’t said what colour these sweaters are, I have an image of them being white or god forbid, mustard. Banish this practise immediately or the next thing you know, he’ll be growing a horseshoe moustache, wearing a medallion and drinking Mateus Rosé

Lady Offa d’Knight

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to all my loyal readers

 

 


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