Horse’s Mouth
At Town Crier, we occasionally get letters from readers seeking advice on all manner of personal situations. They could be questions of etiquette, social faux-pas or family matters. We are always happy to help and so we have enlisted the help of a local stalwart who in her own words has seen it all and calls a spade a gardener. Lady Ophelia d’Knight, (Offa to her friends, but we’re allowed to call her lady d’Knight), will be happy to answer any of your queries in future issues.
Dear Lady d’Knight
I have recently moved in with my boyfriend of 2 years. Everything is wonderful apart from his dog, Bella, that growls at me when I enter a room and insists upon sleeping on my side of the bed even when we’re both in it. I recently asked him to put the dog in the kitchen to sleep, which he agreed to but now she’s started pooing in the kitchen at night, something she never did when allowed to sleep in the bedroom. My boyfriend says that she’s distressed by the separation at night and thinks we should let her back in, but I see it as a her or me situation. What should I do?
TM
Dear TM
The solution is quite simple. Dogs are pack animals and as such your boyfriend’s dog is used to being the main female but now you’ve come along and she’s trying to assert her authority to maintain her position. You’ve got to prove to her that you’re the more important woman in your partners life and you’re not going to do that by lying down and showing your tummy, metaphorically speaking, although what you do in private is up to you.
You’ve got to beat her at her own game, and by that I’m not suggesting that you stop using the loo, but use a firm strong voice when addressing her, stand up straight and remove her from the bed when she climbs up.
I’ve always had dogs, two or three at a time and they’ve never been in any doubt as to who the top bitch is. I suggest you strive to achieve this position.
Lady d’Knight
Dear Lady d’Knight
On a recent shopping trip, I spotted what I initially thought was a rather large strapless bra. Upon closer inspection, I realised that it was in fact a pair of knickers with the area that would cover the bottom, pre-formed and padded, to give I assume, the illusion of more prominent, perkier buttocks. Do you think this type of underwear is acceptable?
FB
Dear FB
Women have been supporting, pushing up, pressing together, even flattening their chest area for centuries so I suppose it was only a matter of time before our bottoms got the same treatment. The popularity of singers such as JLo and Beyonce who have well rounded derrieres has brought around this change in attitude. If you look at pictures of British models from the 50’s and 60’s, they all sported flat bottoms giving them a slimmer bodily profile.
By all means get a little help in this area if you need it but don’t blame me if you can’t feel the unwanted hand glancing across your newly acquired asset.
Lady Offa d’Knight.
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